No wonder many people want a
relationship. But for some people, it's harder for new relationships to 'take',
to grow and thrive. What are the seven most destructive
relationship mistakes? And how can we avoid them? Here they are...
Mistake 1:
This is a classic and universal
relationship mistake whereby wannting a relationship' is not the
same as wanting to be in a relationship with a particular person. If you get
too hung up on wanting 'a relationship' as a general idea, you may fall into
the trap of: biological clocks are noisily
ticking like estrogen-filled time bombs threatening to explode, and panic sets
in. Suddenly, anyone with a pulse and clean fingernails starts to seem
like a 'good bet'.
solution : Remember the words of the song 'You Can't Hurry Love' and
don't. Octogenarians can still hook up, so slow down. Starting a relationship
with someone 'just because' is like setting out on a voyage without checking
for rot, poor engine performance, sea worthiness, and your legal rights. And in
the long run, if you have one eye on the stopwatch, starting up with the wrong
person wastes more time. Which reminds me...
Mistake 2:
Wanting to peg someone down too
quickly to see whether they're 'committed' is like trying to insist cabin crew
serve you their delicious vacuum-packed fare during take off. Give it a chance!
Telling someone you love them on the
first date, planning your retirement together, or talking about 'us' and 'we'
prematurely applies too much pressure and saps the spontaneity and fun from the
early stages. Having to 'know how they feel' may be fair enough down the line,
but asking them too soon where they see this relationship going can make them
feel like they're being interrogated in a job interview.
solution: Hold off for a while until you know each other better.
Everything that exists in our Universe, as far as I know, has a time scale -
including love. Don't be too quick to establish yourselves as a longstanding
couple when you've known each other just a few weeks.
Mistake 3:
There is a great line from a
Seinfeld episode, and I'll try not to misquote here, in which one of the
characters says to Seinfeld, "You shouldn't play games in
relationships!" to which he replies, "What's the point of dating
without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?"
If we view too much of life through
a competitive lens, we come to treat everything like a tussle, a chance to score
points and get ahead. Trying to make someone want you more by acting
'standoffish', ignoring them, or trying to make them jealous is, of course, all
about manipulation. If a relationship starts off on a basis of game playing,
don't expect any winners long-term.
solution: If you want a good quality relationship, be honest and
upfront so you can both 'win' together. And refuse to be drawn into their games
if that's what they do.
Mistake 4:
Fairy tales in real life may not
look like fairy tales as presented by Mr Disney. Prince Charming may have a
crooked nose, and your princess may have pigeon toes. What am I wittering
about? Being so fussy that you miss genuine relationship opportunities.
I talked above about being too
desperate, but it can work the other way. Expecting people to be perfect, then
getting mad when their behaviour doesn't exactly accord with your imagination
of how they should be is, frankly, some people cut off their own options to this extent. They may defend this
with: "Why should I accept anything less?!" But this misses the point
that, so often, something can seem to have all the right 'parts', but when
those parts are put together, you find they don't really work as well as
expected.
solution: Open your mind to the possibility that you could be
mistaken in assuming you can only have a relationship with a person who fits
exactly what you have imagined. And remember that you are having a relationship
with a real-life person, not a phantasm of your own making.
Mistake 5:
If you're in the market for
relationship mistakes, this one can be neatly combined with the first mistake.
If I repeatedly scrape my face on tarmac and then wonder why it hurts, I may
need to take stock a little.
But hold on; anyone can mistakenly
get together with a 'psycho'. Early on, they may be all charm and attentiveness
(and you may be conveniently averting your eyes from early telltale signs -
such as 24-hour surveillance on your house). Of the two points just covered, the
first one is more forgivable (since I'm in a refreshingly judgemental mood),
because it can feel harder to break free once you're in. But the second one?
solution: If you're chronically pursuing mates obviously flawed to the extent that relationships will be
painful and doomed, then at least admit this to yourself and don't be surprised
that 'relationships always go wrong'.
Knowing your patterns is the first step to changing them.
Knowing your patterns is the first step to changing them.